My wife keeps cheating on me
TL:DR My wife has cheated on me for the third time. Torn between forgiving again or breaking up and splitting up our family
Me (40f) and my wife (35f) have been together nearly 15 years, married for over 10. We have a gorgeous child (6) who is the image of perfection and the truest love of my life. I’d do anything for that kid. Wife’s eggs, I carried, anonymous donor sperm.
My wife has cheated on me at least 3 times. These are not one night stands but relationships. They’ve been dates, ‘I love you’s and gifts.
The first was when we first got together. We met just after she’d broken up from her ex. I found out 18 months later that she’d still been seeing her ex gf on and off the whole time. She told me she ended it.
Fast forward to just before our kid turns 1 (2020 - right before Covid). She accidentally calls me the wrong name. I finally get it out of her that she’d been seeing a girl from work for at least a year. They were even on a date on my birth due date. She ends it with her. We start couples therapy and then Covid hit. We’re stuck in a bubble together. We make it work but it’s marred the first year of me being a mum. Every picture of us as a family feels like a lie.
Now we’re at November 2024. I was looking for someone innocuous in her work bag (alike a sanitary towel or painkillers) and find a card. It’s clearly a love note. It mentions meeting someone’s mum for the first time. There are pet names and clear declarations of love. I confront my wife and she says it’s someone at work who really likes her but it’s uncomfortable and totally one sided. She ‘sends’ and email to HR about the card and screenshots it to prove her story. I let it go.
Fast forward to this week. Something isn’t right. She’s acting different. She goes to bed before me and I empty her work bag. I find her old phone. It has historical messages which clearly show that the relationship continues. Even has messages from the gf’s mum about sending Christmas presents!
I confronted my wife in the middle of the night. I couldn’t hold onto that information and do nothing. She’s kept saying that she ‘picks me’ and ‘picks our family’ but she was even with her all day yesterday, taking a day off in half term to spend with her girlfriend instead of with her daughter and wife.
I give her everything she could ever want. She has love, support, I’m always in her corner, I follow her lead in intimacy (she always wants less physical intimacy than me). We’re financially stable and pretty equal in everything.
What do I do? Do I let it go, again? Do we go into counseling? She clearly has issues. At least with honesty. The only thing stopping me (last time and now) from just cutting ties is our kid. Our kid is amazing. Kind, clever, funny, creative. All I’ve ever wanted is to be a good mum and give my child the world. I had a pretty traumatic childhood and I wanted them to have a better start. Splitting up our family would destroy that. I’ve seen what it can do to kids. It’s not like my wife and I ever argue or are unkind to each other. She never sees discord at home. But I know I’ll be in this position again. Do I just accept this as my lot?
Really hope someone takes the time to read this and reply. I’m very lost.