Recovering-Catholic, repressed my wlw urges. Now married to a good man, but think I may be a lesbian. But never even kissed a woman, so how do I figure it out?

Hi all, I’ve (33F) been lurking on this sub for months now and am in a similar spot to lots of you — married to a wonderful man (40M), just moved into a nice house, and we have a beautiful little boy. But now I think I may be a lesbian, and I’m so confused!

Same as lots of you, I was raised in a really homophobic place (Texas — oof), and in a Catholic family, and being a lesbian was not even an option I could ever possibly consider. I remember having strong feelings for certain girls growing up, and I felt weird for it but I convinced myself I just wanted to be like them. But I remember feeling aroused by women’s bodies and telling myself “all women are more sexually fluid, it doesn’t mean im gay.” But I don’t think I was aroused by men’s bodies? And I of course remember very anxiously taking “am I gay?” quizzes in middle school. I finally admitted I was bisexual in my twenties when I developed a crush on a female friend and couldn’t stop thinking about her and got all tingly whenever our hands touched (never had this intense level of feelings for any man). Nothing happened because neither of us were “out,” and I still don’t know her sexual identity but she’s never dated anyone and is Catholic, but that’s neither here nor there.

Anyway, I still repressed the wlw part of myself once I acknowledged I was maybe bi. I just focused on dating men, and I was in the closet to most people except for a close friend or two. And I thought I was attracted to men because the idea of a husband made me feel safe, and I wanted to be held and comforted and cared for. I thought that’s what attraction was. But my romantic fantasies with men were NEVER SEXUAL, which I didn’t realize was uncommon. In my twenties I did start to have sexual fantasies about men, but they were never romantic (my romantic male fantasies and sexual male fantasies were completely separate), and the men were always faceless blobs who just really wanted me and it was usually pretty degrading or else I couldn’t do it. And I NEVER fantasized about kissing men with tongue or kissing at all in sexual fantasies. It just didn’t occur to me. And after any solo-spicy-time when fantasizing about men, I’d almost ALWAYS feel intense shame or ickiness or loneliness after. Almost all kisses I’ve had with men, including my first kiss, were like kissing a fish. I didn’t make out with anyone until I was 23. It was with a guy, and I was a little uncomfortable at first but then I did get aroused and felt “into” it. There have been a few times where I’ve made out with men and enjoyed it, but I never CRAVED it. I finally lost my virginity to my husband after like nine months of us dating, and it wasn’t great. There have been stretches where I can sleep with him and enjoy it, but much longer stretches where I’ve had to “ramp myself up” first or we just didn’t do it for weeks or months and I wouldn’t even really notice. And I’d still feel kind of disconnected throughout it and very much feel like I had to keep getting myself back into it. And then there were lots of times when I would feel sort of empty afterwards, too. I love my husband very much, and he’s so sweet and kind, so I didn’t know why I felt like that. And he is always very respectful, and he never pressures me and is always considerate of me and asking what I want sexually. So it’s not him. I always thought it was the Catholic shame stuff with sex and that’s why I felt bad afterwards and had trouble with it generally. But now I wonder if it’s because maybe I’m gay.

Anyway, fast-forward to last August and I finally let myself start fantasizing sexually about women and HOLY MOLY. It’s been so different. I don’t feel icky afterwards at all. I actually imagine specific women and their bodies. I imagine touching them and kissing them with tongue and really want that and crave it. I actually think about it a lot. I can imagine sex with women being meaningful OR being casual, and either way it feels good. And it never feels degrading. But there’s a few things — first, these are fantasies, not real. I’ve never even kissed a woman in real life, so how I can I know for sure? Second, these fantasies started as role-playing games with AI chat bots which I’m so embarrassed to even admit!! But in them the woman characters have been characters from shows I’ve had crushes on, but the AI of course is very romantic and says what you want to hear, so I’m wondering if that’s playing into this? I can and do fantasize about women without the AI now, but I’m still wondering if it amplified things.

What if my irl sexuality with a person is always kind of sluggish, regardless if it’s a man or woman? I do love my husband and our life together, and I don’t want to blow it all up for something I’m not even sure about. And today I got way thrown off because my husband and I were cuddling on the couch and I suddenly felt how much I loved him and felt like I could kiss him with tongue and maybe go further? Does that mean I’m bi?

He knows I’m struggling with this, but he doesn’t really understand it. He’s resistant to me experimenting with women to figure it out, but I just don’t know how I can know for sure if I’ve never even kissed a woman. I feel like literally just kissing a woman would give me an answer.

I’m in individual therapy with a great LGBTQ+ affirming therapist, and we have a couples counselor set up with our first appointment in two weeks. But I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this right now who actually understands this and the nuances of comp-het, and this Reddit community has been so helpful to me, even just by lurking and reading other people’s posts! I guess I’m just looking for any insight from anyone on this? Any of you have a similar experience to mine then realize you were definitely a lesbian or did you realize you’re bi? I know labels aren’t as important, but I don’t want to ruin a good life and relationship if it turns out I’m bi and could have been sexually connected to my husband with some effort/therapy? But if I’m fully a lesbian, then I’d know I can’t have that with him and let us both try to find someone we could have that with.