We broke up today

I broke up with my girlfriend today. I didn’t want to but it wasn’t working. She wasn’t emotionally available to me enough to make me feel loved and secure. I tried so hard. I tried to change myself and I tried to give the benefit of the doubt and tell myself her actions didn’t mean what I felt like they meant. I couldn’t do it any more.

I even told her I need her to put in more effort and fight for us or it wasn’t going to work and she didn’t do anything or put in any effort. I felt like I put in 95% of the effort. I would have been ok with 80% but she just couldn’t give me back the energy I needed to feel loved back. I’m so in love with her. She says she loves me and wants to be with me. But I don’t feel it from her so I’ve been drowning in anxiety and I can’t do it anymore. I fucking adore her. I deserve to feel like she’s really into me back. I just don’t feel it from her and it makes me crazy with doubt and anxiety and distrust and it’s been snowballing.

I wish she would have realised what was on the line and fought for me. I wish she could express herself and I could feel like she’s as into me as I am into her. I just want to love the shit out of her but I can’t because she can’t step up for me and give me the energy that shows me she wants me like I want her. She says she does, but I have to ask. I know she’s capable of putting effort in because I’ve seen it in the beginning. I wish she would have a lightbulb moment and come to me and fight for me. But she’s had enough opportunities to do that and she hasn’t. I’m really sad. I happily put in so much effort for her. I just needed to feel appreciated.