I Am Running For US President in 2028

I am announcing my bid for the 2028 presidency. We have run out of options and the bar has never been lower, like 1am at a bar on Valentine's Day. This is an environment where I have historically thrived.

I consider myself a unifier. Liberal or conservative, think about any economic problem. It was some CEO, some senator, some president, or someone in charge listening to the advice of experts. These are smart people! In fact, there's a smart person on the other end of every single one of your problems. People with advanced degrees in law and economics. Even Trump has some degree of cunning. For all your life, you've listened to smart people and have been ruled by smart people.

And, well, look what that got you.

I think we're ready for an idiot to be in charge. Let me be your idiot, America.

I don't about anything and I don't intend to. I don't know what the economy even is. The more people talk about it, the more it sounds like it's for nerds. "Oh no the stocks and futures!" Save it for your mathelete friends. I'll rejoin WHO once someone tells me what it is I need to rejoin. People keep asking me. It's something about doctors I guess? I thought that was a TV show.

And as for our adversaries, they're not ready for me. Putin and Xi can't outsmart me because I'm not engaged in a smart contest. They're playing chess. I'm playing Candyland. The world thinks Americans are stupid. Well let's show them just how dumb we can get.

Here's a campaign promise. On day 2, I will sign an executive order to enact the Reinheitsgebot, an old beer purity law from Germany. I can't pronounce it, and I only know what it is because I read about it on a beer can, where I get all my information.

I'm not telling you who I am yet, either. Soon, videos of some knucklehead saying dumb stuff at Council meetings will go viral. That will be the beginning of my campaign.

Let's Get Stupid.