i dont know how much longer i can go on

every day is fucking agony. pure hell from the moment i wake up to the moment i fall asleep. my thoughts are so fucked up and wrong and disgusting but there is absolutely nothing i can do about it. i just cry the day away to cope with the pain and anger. lots of my thoughts involve abnormal themes surrounding sex and they affect almost every thing i do. i get tons of gronial responses alongside the thoughts which lead me to believe i'm surpressing my true desires. due to this, i've become extremely avoidant of the people i love and care about. even saying "people i love" makes me feel gross and ashamed because maybe i mean more than love. im scared to try medication again due to the side effects, especially weight gain. im currently taking a weight loss medication that has helped TREMENDOUSLY and i have no desire to mess that up. i'm simply at a loss. my suicidal ideation is getting stronger as the days and months go by. i've been stuck on the same thought loop for 10 months now (but i've dealt with the same theme for over 10 years). my brain is plagued of filth and corruption. i don't THINK for myself anymore. every thought that goes in and out of my brain is controlled by OCD. and i know people say it gets better, some days are better than others, but i don't want to live my life with OCD. it's fucking misery. i don't trust a soul anymore. i've pushed all my friends away and out of my life. SOMEHOW im still in school but i procrasinate a lot. which then leads to guilt over the procrasination. just lots of shitty fucking feelings i have to manage day in and day out. i wish i could get hit by a fucking semi and lose all corners of my memory. i don't even care about the good parts. for christs sake, if i was OCD free then i could make triple the amount of "good memories" i already have.