How to not feel anxious about Ramadan

I wasn’t sure if I should post this since some of my family and friends use reddit but I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed

Ramadan has always been my favorite time of year since I was a kid I’d literally get more excited about it than Eid literally counting down the days the memories I have from Ramadan always feel more special than any other time and I know a lot of people can relate to that

Last Ramadan I really put in the effort I finished the Quran cooked for my family every day and felt like a whole new person but in the last ten days things got really tough I had a severe OCD episode I’ve dealt with it before but it was always mild so I didn’t even realize what it was this time it hit me hard it wasn’t the kind of OCD with physical rituals it was more intrusive thoughts I felt like everything was crashing down on me I literally thought angels hated me and I would constantly try to hurt myself and it spiraled I got diagnosed the day after the episode started but it felt so overwhelming that I doubted if the diagnosis was even correct

Anyway I won’t go into too much detail but about two months ago I finally started feeling better after being on SSRIs thank God

Now that Ramadan is getting closer I don’t feel the same excitement for the first time ever I’m not counting down the days I actually feel nervous I’m not sure why maybe I’m scared of going through the same experience again or being reminded of it every time I see something about Ramadan I just feel uneasy and on top of that I feel guilty for not being excited which only makes it worse

I really don’t want to feel this way during such a special time if anyone has advice I’d really appreciate it