It really DOESN'T even matter

I'm just gonna cut to the chase, this is barely related to Linkin park, probably not at all. I'm just saying this here because I don't know where else to say this.

What matters at the end? Honestly, I can't even figure out if it's worth finding out if anything matters. I guess I owe some context though.

Sunday, I decided to come forward to my mom and step dad about something I felt. My biological father was an extremely abusive person, and frankly, he reminded my life. But I don't know why, but I started thinking about giving it another chance with him. It felt so stupid and it still feels stupid.

I mean...why would I even think that? Why would I think that way about someone who has done nothing for me but make my life a living nightmare? Am I stupid, naive, or just delusional to believe it could've happened?

Anyways, so...I found out that he tried signing off all of his rights the day the court was planning out trial. And when he was told that he couldn't, he said he wanted no parenting time, he wanted nothing to do with being a parent.

As obvious as that was, it tore me apart inside. I can't describe the emotions I felt during that, I was getting hysterical, I starting laughing and crying at the same time. and since then, I've had this giant empty void in my stomach.

And I'm here now, probably wasting everyone's time wondering, does anything even matter? Are we just born to suffer, to lose? I thought that maybe it could've been possible that I could've done something to make things right with him, but I guess shit doesn't work like that.

What matters when you lose it all? Am I just a walking shell of a child who lost everything that was given to him: a loving family, mental stability, peace of mind? What am I? What does it matter?

What does it matter if I'm here or gone? What does it matter if I feel a certain way? Are we just losers in this life, giving away parts of ourselves, torturing ourselves just so we can live in a fantasy?

Or am I just as crazy as I used to be told?