Trying to accept that I'll never be a teenage boy

I went to a funeral recently and saw some family I haven't seen in awhile. I have a male cousin who's 11-12ish who I avoid constantly because it's so hard to not be jealous of him. I'm a couple years older than him and he's still more of a man than me. He's taller, has a deeper voice, has peach fuzz, his frame is filling out, etc. Because of puberty. It feels so unfair even though it's nobody's fault, especially not his own. We just look pretty similar and every time I see him my brain tells me "Look at what you could've been".

Hormones aren't an option for me, nor are puberty blockers or any type of surgery of any kind. And even when I'm grown, with the economy being the way it is, and the way that trans rights are constantly declining in the US, I don't know if hormones or surgery will be an option for me for a very, very long time. All I want is to be a young man, but I don't get to.

Everything feels pointless right now. No matter how hard I wish and pray and dream and beg and whatever else I've tried, all I can do is sit here and watch all of the boys I know turn into men. Everybody's growing up and I'm being left behind. I've tried hard to pass, but I never will. No matter how hard I try, I'll always be clocked because of my voice. All boys my age have had voice drops by now, and I haven't, and I won't. It won't happen. I won't grow past 5'1", I won't grow facial hair, I won't gain muscle and fill out, I just won't, and that's a debilitating thought.

I think what hurts the most to think about is that I'll never get this time back. I'll never get to experience life as a teenage boy. I'll never get to hang out with my guy friends and cause trouble and talk about girls and boys and games and stuff. I'll never get to ask my dad to teach me how to shave without cutting myself by accident. I'll never have any of it. I don't get to. I'm not allowed. It's something I think about almost all of the time and I don't know how to cope with it.