Exhausted, ashamed, & defeated

6 weeks ago I started a new job as a middle school English teacher. It’s been the most difficult 6 weeks of my life. The students are verbally abusive towards me and even physically violent sometimes (throwing pencils etc). I’ve been so anxious because of all the new stress of this job that I’ve been picking my skin viciously every single day. And of course when the kids mock me and my appearance I only want to pick more as a coping mechanism (which continues this never ending cycle). The only time it’s healed since I started was when I went out of town with my partner and his family for thanksgiving break. Literally the instant I got back, though, I was so paralyzed with anxiety that I picked at everything I’d been able to leave alone while out of town. Now my skin is an absolute disaster, I don’t want to face my students like this, and I’m completely defeated because skin picking—specifically on my face—has been an almost nonstop struggle for ~6 years. Even though I see a therapist who specializes in OCD and BFRBs, I haven’t made any progress. I just keep relapsing every time I manage to even somewhat clear my skin.

So exhausted. So ashamed. So defeated.